When Trust is too Much to ask for in a Relationship . . . by James Amuta

Modern cosmopolitan dating is one confusing trip to be on. So, it’s no surprise why most people are opting to remain single, not necessarily by choice, but by a subconscious inability to put up with the socio-emotional shortcomings of cosmopolitan dating. Recently, I’ve tried to drive through the boulevards of the female psyche to decipher some of the reasons why the bridge of emotional disconnect is getting wider by the minute, yet getting more and more battered by the motorists (or more aptly, lovers) who use and abuse that bridge.

When you’re dating, is it too much to ask your girlfriend not to spend the night with an ex boyfriend? Is it too much to ask your girlfriend not to lie to you about her whereabouts if as she claims, she’s up to no tricks at all?

This fresh couple I know – Kola and Vivian are at an emotional impasse. The love each other, but recently that love is up for eviction, and only your honest feedback can help them keep it in their hearts for a while longer. Kola was recently put in an awkward position by his girlfriend, Vivian. They’ve been dating for about 6 months and are thinking of taking things a lot more seriously – now the issue they must confront is one of trust.

Kola’s girlfriend, Vivian leaves his apartment one afternoon at about 1: 30 pm, informing him that she’s going to meet up with her “ex-lover” Jacob, to formally let him know that she had moved on, and was no longer interested in whatever they had in the past – to break up with him – let him down softly so to speak, so he says “it’s okay, go for the meeting, but please be safe, and come back home on time”.

But then it’s nightfall already, about 8:30pm, Vivian still hasn’t called or come home, so Kola calls her, “hey babe, are you okay?”, and she responds, “yes I’m fine, I’m in the car with Jacob now, he’s dropping me off at Toke’s place”, and the guy ponders for a bit, asking, “I thought you were gonna come home after meeting him, why the sudden need to go to Toke’s place – is she alright?”, and his girlfriend says, “she’s not feeling too fine, she called several times, so Jacob is just going to drop me off at her place, depending on how bad she’s feeling, I might spend the night at her place”, and the guy feeling for Toke, says “it’s okay, but let me know how she’s feeling when you see her – give her my best regards, please”.

But then an hour later, Kola calls her again, and says “hey, how’s Toke doing”, and his girlfriend says, “oh, I’m still with Jacob, we’re eating, afterwards, he’d drop me at Toke’s place” the guy is now suspicious, he says, “don’t you think it’s getting late already – I’m not comfortable with you hanging out with this dude late into the night, it’s almost 9:30pm and you’ve been with him since 1pm – anyway, just assure me you’re telling me the truth that there’s nothing amiss here”, and she gets all warm and fuzzy, “oh no, everything’s fine – he’s gonna drop me off at Toke’s place immediately after this meal, okay, you have nothing to worry about” and Kola retorts, “so, you’re assuring me that you’re not spending the night out with this guy”, and Vivian says, “I promise, dear, I can’t do such a thing to you”, and the guy concludes the call by saying, “ please call me as soon as you get to Toke’s place”.

But suspecting that she might give the same cliché excuse most unfaithful women use in their defense, “I wanted to call, but there was not airtime on my phone” – he transferred some airtime to her phone, just to cover all tracks. After exactly one hour – 10: 30pm now, he tries to call her but she’s not picking – after a few rings, he gives up. 30 minutes later, he calls again, and she picks up, and launches into “oh, I’m sorry, I wasn’t with my phone”, so the now suspicious boyfriend asks “where are you?”, and she responds, “I’m at Toke’s place”, so the guy says, “oh good. How is she feeling, please give her the phone, I’d like to say ‘get-well-soon’”, and the girlfriend says, “oh, I’m downstairs, Toke is upstairs, I’ll give her the phone when I go upstairs” and the guy pauses for a minute, before he adds, “is Jacob still there with you?”, and she admits, “yes”, the guy continues, “and he’s the reason you refused to pick my call – you know what send me Toke’s number, I’ll call her myself” – understanding that she’s been caught in a lie, but still trying to defend her immoral honor, “Kola, don’t worry, I was just in the car with Jacob, he’s leaving soon” – the boyfriend seeing the lie clearly now, “you’ve been lying all this while, just admit you’re not at Toke’s place, and that you are spending the night with Jacob, at least, I’d know you’re not calling me stupid by wanting me to believe you’re not doing exactly what both you and I know you’re doing”

The truth unfolds, and she says, “Kola, I’m sorry, I’m actually at Jacob’s but I’m not gonna screw him, trust me…I need this, please”

However, conversely, is it too much to ask your boyfriend to trust you while you spend the night in your ex-boyfriend’s house? In Vivian’s defense, as she claims, Jacob isn’t actually an ex-boyfriend, but rather a friend with whom she occasionally had sex with. But in Kola’s defense, he feels this Jacob guy has been described as a randy, horny toad that gets a boner each time an attractive female’s in sight.

So, the facts are: Vivian told Kola that she was going to meet Jacob for a chat. Vivian changed her mind along the line and decided to spend the night at Jacob’s place. Vivian not wanting Kola to worry tells him a lie, saying she was going to crash at her girlfriend’s place. Kola discovered the charade, and Vivian comes clean about her intention to spend the night at Jacob’s place. Now, Vivian wants Kola to trust her, and believe that she didn’t screw Jacob that night.

The ultimate question is: is it too much for your girlfriend to ask for this sort of trust? And what would it take a boyfriend to give her that trust?

~James Amuta

[James Amuta is the author of Enigma: Beyond the Poet; a maverick publicist with expertise in television/film content and corporate publicity. He’s also a filmmaker with a few documentaries and TV commercials to his credit. Find more of his notes on [ or follow him on Twitter:] .

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